A Change of Plans

Chris and Me, exemplifying maturity.

 

Life is nothing like I thought it would be. This time last year, I was a new high school graduate. I planned to get a PhD in clinical psychology, work at various in-patient facilities treating mental illnesses, open a private practice, and, once my career was stable, get married and have five kids. Considering the fact that school would have taken 10-12 years, plus 5 or 6 years getting experience and another 2-3 establishing a new practice, I wasn't planning on any serious relationships for 16-21 years. By which time I would have been in my late thirties. But I didn't bother thinking it through.

God obviously did, however--and I guess he thought my plan needed some tweaking. I met Chris the day I arrived in Provo, Utah to start college. He was the brother of a friend of mine, who I had met at a church camp (EFY) when I was 16. Chris had just finished a 2 year mission for the church, and his brother, Danny, asked me to go on a few dates with him to "ease him back into dating life." I agreed, and we planned a double date, but they decided to come say hi the day I arrived, and help me move in. Along with my family. Needless to say, it was an awkward meeting. We did NOT hit it off.

That night, Chris told his brother "maybe we should let the double date thing slide." I called Danny and said, "yeah...I don't think I'm interested." Chris reportedly said I was a "woo girl" (as in "woo-hoo! partayy!), and wanted to date someone a little less--to use his words--shallow. I thought he was boring. So, no go. But in an interesting turn of events, we ended up going on a date, after all. Danny didn't talk to me for a few weeks after the incident, and I was worried he was angry with me. I facebooked Chris, and wrote "chill sometime?" on his wall...and apparently, he was bored enough to want to hang out with someone as obnoxious as me. We tried to plan a group thing--I wanted to hang out with Danny, to make sure he wasn't angry--but no one else ended up coming. So, Chris picked me up and we drove up into the mountains to hike Y mount. (Did I mention I pulled my hamstring that morning doing the splits?)

It was a beautiful hike, but I was tired and irritated, and my muscle hurt really bad. We had to stop frequently on the way up. Since I was not at all interested in flirting, we had to find something practical to talk about. He asked about my major--I told him it was psych, and explained that I wanted to devote my life to helping people get their own back. He told me he was a business major, but he planned on joining the military. I remember sitting on the Y, looking out at the valley (there was a lightning storm below, like our own personal fireworks display), and listening to him speaking about how much he loved America and wanted to serve protecting its people, and thinking "Okay, not boring. My bad."

The next few months were insane. After that first date, I never went out with anyone else. I threw up our 2nd date on a spinning carnival ride, we saw a snake eating a goldfish on our third date, had an non-reciprocated first kiss on our 5th date (and even weirder 2nd kiss right after...he had signed a contract with some mission buddies a year earlier, promising to play little mermaid's "kiss the girl" during his first kiss home...mission accomplished!), and many more adventures. He told me he loved me on a (now-demolished) bench between the HFAC and the WILK, I attended his swearing-in ceremony at the Air National Guard base in Salt Lake City, I cried all through his shoulder surgery in November, and I told him I wanted to marry him outside my freshman apartment after 20 minutes of pacing and saying "this is how I feel now, but I doubt I always will". He asked my Dad for permission to marry me in January, and proposed to me on a cliff in Provo canyon on February 2nd, 2012.

The following 4 months were wonderful and stressful. We had some horrible arguments...mostly about family, psychology, and the military...but we never left each other angry. We always sat down and talked it out. We went on a camping trip with a few friends to celebrate the end of winter semester, and we flew out to Iowa in May so I could see Chris' hometown and meet his family. Those four months were probably the best of my life--but they were also very difficult.

Chris left for basic training May 22nd, 2012...a week and one day ago. I got one phone call the day he arrived. It was a scripted message, telling me his mailing address, but it was his voice. At the end of the address, I said "I've got it. I love you." He paused and whispered, "I love you too." I haven't heard from him since. He has MBT and two tech schools to attend...he will be home in 6 months.

This week has dragged on--it feels like it's been months. I'm surrounded by family and friends--and reminders of Chris. I haven't ever felt so lonely around so many people. I dream of him almost every night, and I carry my phone with me everywhere in case he calls, even though I know he probably won't be able to for another 2 weeks at least.

This is all very new to me. My life isn't my own anymore--I share it with someone else, and when he is gone, I feel all broken up and jumbled inside. I am adjusting to college life--I have 5 wonderful roommates, and they are all a heaping bushel of crazy. I've started to figure out how to exercise without a coach yelling at me to be faster, more flexible, or stronger. I'm getting used the endless stress of classes, papers, and exams. I'm starting to adjust my original life plans and make new ones that exclude a PhD in psychology, but include a husband, the military, the FBI (him, not me), and a master's degree in psychology (me, not him) instead.

Life is very different than I imagined--and I am completely unprepared for it. I guess it's the kind of thing you learn about as you go along. If there is one thing I have learned this year, it is that I am very, very young...naiive, inexperienced, and unprepared. But I think this will always be true...I don't know if I'll ever really grow up. Someday, I'll probably be 60, and still young.