Temple Conversations with High School Friends

So one of my really good friends from high school has been facebooking me a lot lately, asking about the wedding. She has been so excited for me. We never really talked about my religion or the church or anything when we were in school together, but she has been asking a lot of questions lately. I haven't known exactly how to answer most of them, because I have never actually BEEN to the temple, so I don't think  I did the best job explaining things, but I tried to tell her about things that she would relate to and understand. What is really interesting to me is that we have much more open conversations now than we used to...religion was a non-discussed topic in high school, and I didn't even realize how important God was to her, and how much marriage meant to her...we had a lot more in common than I realized. Anyway, here is our most recent conversation. 

Sarah: i literally can't wait to hear and see all about your wedding!

Me: haha me too!! I'll be sure to put up lots of pictures~!

Sarah: i can't even imagine how excited you must be! this is gonna be a whole newchapter in your life! i can't wait for that to happen to me! ahh i wish i could go to your wedding!!!

Me: I wish you could come too! ...and yeah, it feels so strange and exciting...weird to have all of our stuff in an apartment together...and everything matches and looks nice and stuff. it isn't a student apartment. ...you HAVE to let me know and invite me to yours!

Sarah: um of course i will! wouldn't be a party without you!!

how did you manage to pull off planning a wedding and school so fast??

Me: Idk...it didn't really seem that fast, I had 10 months to plan. But my sisters and mom helped a lot.

Sarah: oh! a lot of people told me that it takes forever to plan a wedding so i just assumed! how many people are you having?

Me: The actual wedding will be in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple, just for family and friends that have temple reccommends. the reception is in the springville art museum, and anoyone can come. I'm guessing there will be 70 people at the wedding and 200 at the reception.

Sarah: thats awesome!! ;] i wouldn't even know where to begin with planning a wedding!

Me: ..this is a photo of the temple.

Sarah: oh wow! that is beautiful!!!

Me:...it makes it easier when you don't have to plan the ceremony...you just set up an appointment at the temple and get interviews. You don't have to do anything else except buy a dress and show up...They have sealers that do the ceremony, and the temple is absolutely gorgeous, so it would just be silly to try to add decorations.

isn't it pretty!?

Sarah: pretty is an understatement. i can't wait to see you dress! is your dad walking down the aisle or your mom and dad?

Me: there isn't really an aisle. It's a room...I'll find a picture... hold on...

Sarah: oh okay!

Sarah: ohhh i get it! thats really pretty on the inside!!

so then would chris see you before the wedding then?

Me:  No...we will see each other when we enter the room (I think)...then you go forward and kneel at the altar and make promises to God.

Sarah: beautiful! you nervous at all? sorry im asking so many questions!

Me: its different from other wedding ceremonies because you don't promise to eachother, you promise God, so you are accountable to him if you break your covenants or hurt your spouse in any way. And you are sealed, not just married, so you will be together after you die, and your children that you have in that marriage will be sealed to you, too.

Sarah: thats really special!

Me: ...which explains why I am SO nervous...If I mess this up, it won't be like I just break a promise to Chris, it will be breaking a promise with God.

Sarah: you won't mess it up!! how could you mess it up, you love Chris and you love God! but i would totally be nervous too! thats really awesome that you guys are both so strong in your faith too!

Me: Thanks, Sarah. lol. It's just a LOT of responsibility. (sidenote: this is also why things like spousal abuse or cheating or divorce are a HUGE deal if you are mormon...because you are responsible to god for anything you do to hurt that person.)

Yeah, I am so glad that I am marrying someone that is so committed to God and wants to do what God wants... he is a really good man.

Sarah: and i think that makes your relationship with chris that much stronger because God is such a big part of it, and i think that it will be taken more seriously because if he hurts you he hurts God too

I feel like now a days people go into a marriage knowing that they can just get a divorce if it doens't work out, and thats something that breaks my heart because it should be like that at all

shouldn't *

Me: yeah. I wish more people took marriage more seriously...I think a lot of people just aren't completely committed...divorce should never be part of the picture (except in cases like abuse, cheating, ect) ...I think a lot of people just don't want to work on it, they don't realize that love takes work. I think most problems people have could be fixed if they both tried to come closer together and both were kinder and more willing to change and try to be better.

Sarah: exactly!! divorce is so sad

are you guys going on a honeymoon after the wedding?

Me: yeah. and it's crazy how many people do that.

yep! we have a cabin rented in the mountains, close to a ski resort.

Sarah: oh yeah!! i think i remember you mentioning that!!

Any thoughts? Things I left out that I should talk about in our next conversation? (She told me at the end that she wanted to get together for lunch and talk more about it, and when I said I wouldn't be in town, she asked if it would be okay if she asked me more later.) I don't really know what I am supposed to tell her about some of this stuff...and she is so inquisitive! 

Sidenote: Interesting that all of these people I knew growing up never talked to me about the church or my beliefs when we were younger, and now that we are all separated and starting our own lives, I have had a lot of people contact me and ask questions, or tell me that I was a good example to them in high school (which is ironic, because I thought i was a pretty horrible person)...anyway. I'm glad that I gave at least a few people an interest in the church. 

Engagments are Awesome

I know everyone says engagement is the worst part of a relationship, but I have really enjoyed mine. It has been wonderful to have this time to plan out school, work, kids, and our first home (Not everyone has time to build their furniture during their engagement!) And I am so glad that we've had some time to visit our hometowns and get to know one another's families better.

Really, it is the growth of the relationships we have with our families that has been so wonderful. I love my family so much, and it makes me so happy to see Chris coming to love them, too. Yesterday, I spent several hours at Ruth's helping her make another Christmas blanket for Evelyn. Evelyn was smiling and gurgling to herself, and we were drinking hot chocolate, planning the blanket, talking about the utensil organizer Chris built Ruth for her birthday, and the mantlepiece Chris and Jordan are planning on building together when we get back. About halfway through making the blanket (We had just finished all of the seams, and were getting ready to turn it right side-out) We realized that we had sewed one of the right sides in, and we had to rip out every single perfect seam that Ruth had sewed. We laughed at our mistake and sat down to pull out the seams. Sitting there, picking at the stitches, laughing with my sister, I felt so happy and so grateful.

I love being part of a family. I love the feeling that everyone is working together and loving each other. We have had so many people helping us get ready for our marriage...Our parents have planned open houses and receptions, Ruth, Mary Beth, and Elise are throwing me a bridal shower (I got the invite yesterday, and it is beautiful!). Chris' grandfather agreed to seal us in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple. Rachael has talked to me about birth control options and given me awesome advice. Elise took me to pick out my wedding shoes, have my dress fitted, and a veil made. Allison spent 10 hours taking our engagement photos, and more time editing them, Owen and Eva signed for our reception venue (and got as a significant discount), and Susan is throwing me a bridal shower for all of my family...there has been so much love, help, support, and fantastic advice.

But I don't think anyone has put more time and thought into planning everything than Ruth. Seriously, I think she has been more involved than me. She found me a hair and makeup stylist, set up the appointment, and even paid for it. She helped me choose invitations, even took me to the post office to mail them and spent about an hour putting all of the stamps on. She and Elise took me to pick out my wedding dress. She picked the Springville Art Museum for the reception. She has helped plan centerpieces, food, and even the wedding cake. She has advised me on my nails, my registry, my photos, everything. She even helped me find a good OBGYN, took me to my first appointment, and to breakfast afterwards. I have no idea what I would be doing right now without her. I am so grateful for her help. But mostly, I am so grateful that she and Jordan have made such an effort to make Chris feel like part of the family--they have hosted dinners, asked him for help and advice in things like construction, areas he is confident and has experience in, and even has us babysit.

I have loved my engagement so much, because it has been such a time of growth. I have seen my love for Chris grow, and his love for me--and our love for our own families and one another's. I am so excited to fly to Iowa tomorrow with Chris and spend some time with his family--I know his mom has been working so hard to make our open house there beautiful. I am so excited to take Chris around in Portage, and show him the town I grew up in. I'm excited for him to meet my sister Rachael's family, and for our parents to finally meet and get to know each other. I'm so excited for the open house in Michigan--I am excited for the fantastic food, family, and friends to all be together.

This Christmas season is going to be fantastic.Our whole families will be together. People are flying and driving from all over to come to our wedding and show their support and love. I never knew how many people loved me and cared about me and Chris, until this year. I am so so so grateful for our wonderful families. I love mine and his so much, and I am so excited to start a family with Chris, and bring everyone together into one.

Table and Chairs, Plus a Little Learning about Christmas

This last weekend, Chris and I finished up our breakfast bar/dining table and stools. I don't have any pictures of us making the table (regret! I worked that chop saw, and there is no photo evidence to prove it!) But I managed to snap a few while we were making staining the stools, and I took a few after shots of the table. The lighting is really bad, and you can't really see the detail and color right, but you get the idea. 

 

We got the stools from a little furniture shop in downtown Provo. They sell unfinished furniture...it is the cutest little store, and it was perfect for us because we wanted our stools to match our table, but we didn't want to have to make stools...according to Chris, they are a pain to get all of the angles right and make sure the legs are level.

 

So, we sanded them down (they were stamped with "made in mongolia" I think Chris disliked the idea of it telling everyone that he didn't make them....anyway, they are smooth and soft now).

And applied our first coat of stain. It's a dark brown...soo pretty, but you can't really see the color here. There is a lot of graining and fun different highlights in real life. Like I said, poor quality photos, but they're all I've got.

 

Chris gets really focused when he is "doing his crafts" ...He doesn't really like to be photographed, and you can forget about posing. But it's okay...I love his look of intense concentration. So cute!

 Since it is a bar, it doesn't have legs. We have 3 brackets that we've spray painted, and we are going to use them to screw the table into the 40" wall in our tiny apartment. So, for this picture, I just put our table on top of my kitchen table now, so you can get the idea of what it will look like. (side note: I highly recommend making tables for awkward room layouts. Cambridge Court is lovely, but it is NOT table-friendly. We've seen a few apartments, and the tables are either barely there, or take up way too much space and make it difficult to squeeze in between rooms. But if you make your own table, you can measure the space you've got and decide exactly what size you want and how it will fit into the room. Ours is perfect for the tiny space--it is exactly the length of the wall we are putting it on, and since it is a bar it doesn't come out too much. Also, we won't be tripping over chairs, because the stools can slide under the bar. Bonus: we got to pick the stain, the kind of wood we wanted, and the design of the edges.)

 We used molding for the table edges--much easier than a router, and less expensive. We stacked two pieces on top of each other. The top one has a vine and leaves carved into it, and the bottom one is just a simple curvy kinda thing. It makes it look so fancy and cool! When we make more furniture in the future, like bookcases and headboards and stuff, we are definitely going to use molding.

 Show and tell! I asked him to stand still and smile...not quite what I was envisioning, but this is much, much better. So sassy.

 ...and then he just started going over the top. Ever danced with a table? Chris has.
Also, we painted our Christmas Santas! They turned out way better than I thought they would. They don't look much like the ones I remember from my childhood, but not everything in our family will be like it was in the families we were raised in, and  I like these, because they are ours...we painted them together while we ate omelets and toaster strudel, and gossiped about Griffeth's engagement. I've finally stopped looking for the exact nativity we had when I was little, and for the "O Holy Night" Snow globe. Christmas will not be how it was at home in Michigan, and that's okay! Our Christmases will be wonderful BECAUSE they are different, and because we have blended our two families traditions and added some spice of our own. Anyway, here is how our Santas turned out:

Aren't they darling?!

Crafty Crafty Crafty!!

I have been feeling very crafty lately. I want to build and sew and invent every single thing that goes into our house!! Chris got me started on it with the whole "hey let's build our own dining room table" thing...and it turned out absolutely beautiful! It's a rich, dark wood with beautiful graining and knots...and it has carved leaves and vines around the edges. I've never seen such a pretty breakfast bar. (pictures to follow!)

Now, whenever I say, "Oh, we probably need a bookcase" or, "let's get some side tables" or, "we will probably want a headboard or something sometime", Chris says, "Okay, I'll build it for you, just tell me how you want it." ...and it's starting to rub off on me. I found a duvet cover at pottery barn that I LOVE, but it is 500 dollars. ...and THEN I found a pattern online for the EXACT SAME duvet...and the girl who posted it made it to replace her pottery barn duvet, and spent about 50 bucks on materials. Hello, future ginormous sewing project that will look exactly how I want it to and be super fun and save us tons of money!!

I've decided to wait to make it until my schedule is a little more open--besides, Chris and I still have to stain the stools to match our table, and paint some Christmas decorations. (We found some awesome Santas at Michaels, and decided they would be fun to paint. We also found a nativity set that you can paint--so so so tempting!!)

Anyway, we have become very projecty people. It was so fun building that table. I used a chop saw and a nail gun for the first time--it was so fun! ...and we helped Chris' friend do some construction in the basement. He is dividing the basement into 3 rooms, and we built and put up the frames or studs or whatever...anyway, it involved a lot of chopping and nailing and banging things into place. It was cool to see the rooms take shape. I'm really glad I am marrying someone that is so handy--I'm pretty sure if I handed him a picture of a house I wanted, he would hire a plumber and electrician, and build it himself. (I sincerely doubt that will ever happen, but I do know that if we ever decide to rennovate, we will do it ourselves.)

So, right now, we have a big list of projects:

Done: Table
Next: stain 2 stools. paint santas
Future: sew duvet cover, shams, bed skirt, and throw pillows for bed and couches. Build bookcase, build shelves for closet, build side tables, build bed, and any other wooden furniture we decide we want. Paint living room fern green, paint bedroom dusky blue.

I love having projects. It is so much fun to create, especially with Chris--he gets so excited!! ...and it is so satisfying to look at something and know that we made it together, and it is ours, and it is beautiful. I look forward to a lifetime of creating beautiful things with Chris. ...like crafts and stuff. not children. well, not for a while, at least/

CHRISTMAS IS COMING!!!

The best thing about life is that there are so many things to look forward to. When I was little, I used to think it was silly that stores started decorating for holidays months ahead of time--now I love it!! I love the build up of excitement! I am so excited for so many things right now--I am excited to visit Chris' hometown for a week, and to have Thanksgiving with both of our families the next week in Michigan. I am excited to marry Chris December 18th. I am excited for our first Christmas together. I am excited to finish the semester. I am excited to move to Phoenix for a few months while Chris is on active duty orders. I am excited to build our little dining table together this weekend...I am excited to move in and furnish our whole apartment! I am excited to get together with friends at girls' nights, bridal showers, open houses, and receptions to celebrate and enjoy one another's company. But mostly, right now, I am just very, very, VERY excited for Christmas.

I love Christmas so much. I love listening to Christmas music. I love baking and decorating Christmas cookies with my mom and sisters. I love going adventuring through Christmas tree farms, and picking out the fullest, yummiest smelling, and biggest and bestest and awesomest tree ever!! I love taking the tree home and decorating it. I love all of the old traditions and the new ones...I loved sneaking downstairs Christmas morning to look at the tree and presents, and finding reindeer droppings (chocolate covered nuts) all over the house, and I loved writing letters to our resident elves, Holly, Soot, and Mistletoe (also known as Rachael, Mary Beth, and Ruth). I love new traditions, too--I love making ornaments. Last year Chris and I spray painted a bunch of cinnamon-scented pinecones a shiny gold, and tied them with bright green and red plaid ribbons. My mom, Mary Beth, Elise and I made citrus ornaments and popcorn strings to hang on our Dr. Seuss tree.

This Christmas is going to be very different. For the first time, I will not be waking up Christmas morning to a house full of my sisters. I will be in a little apartment in Cambridge Court, with my married-7-days-ago husband...I will have no rule that I have to wait until 7 to get up. mwahaha!!!

I am so excited to start blending the traditions of our two families together. Chris and I have talked a lot about Christmas traditions. We've agreed to try to alternate Christmas with our families...we've also agreed to open one present, (Christmas pajamas) on Christmas eve, to sleep with the Christmas quilt from my Grandmother Jere and Aunt Ann on our bed (but only after thanksgiving), to continue the reindeer droppings tradition, and to always, always, always have a live, deliciously christmassy smelling tree in our house.

On the subject of stockings, we've agreed to combine traditions (and I'm thinking of adding a few more.) My dad always put some very specific things in our stockings: assorted Lindt truffles, a bag of nuts, fruit snacks, one orange, and a small stocking present--often smart wool socks or a pepperige farm salami. Chris had a similar stocking, but with the distinction of Cracker Jacks (he is very emphatic that we keep this). I also have a few things I think would be fun to add. I really want to put a letter in. Starting out, this would just be a letter from me to Chris, or him to me. But when we have kids, it would be a letter from Chris and me to each of them individually--a letter to them about the little things they do we love, our favorite memories from that year, and how grateful we are that they are a part of our family. I think it would be cool for our kids to have a letter from every Christmas as they grew up...18 years at home. And who knows, maybe we'd continue this tradition after they left?! ...Also, I want beef jerkey in my stocking.

I AM SO EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS!!!

A few days ago, I spent about 2 hours trying to guess what Chris was planning for Christmas. I have a problem with surprises...I just HAVE to know. Eventually, I convinced him to list off 10 possible presents, with the two real ones hidden among the distractors, so I could guess which ones they were. He had fantastic decoys, though, and I honestly have no idea what he is planning. I am impressed he has held out so long--I am very persuasive. But then again, he's probably learned from the time I convinced him to give me my birthday present 2 months early, and after he did, I said, "I can't believe you gave it to me."

I am so excited! I've spent the last few days looking up Christmas stockings, tree skirts, angel tree toppers, crafty christmas ornaments, and fun traditions. I've already decided to cut off part of the trunk of our tree, and write "our first christmas tree"" on it, and make it into an ornament for our future trees. I also have decided to wrap up a bunch of Christmas stories and books the month before Christams, and read them as a family that whole month...A Christmas Carol, Christmas Oranges, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, The Little Match Girl...and maybe a few movies, too...White Christmas, It's a Wonderful Life, Elf, ect.

What are your favorite Christmas traditions? Any favorite memories? What are you most excited about? Share! Share! Share!

So Close

I miss you. I crave your scent, your touch, your laughter. Rereading letters or looking through pictures of us does not fill the space inside me. It doesn't drive away the cold I feel. I kind of shrink up, as if, by trying to make itself smaller, my body can overflow a little, and release some of the ache. It doesn't work. Not ever. I still reach out to you with my whole soul; every day, like the night I was searching for answers, I run to you.

It has been almost 2 months since I've seen your face. We have only a week left--just a few days, really--but it feels like miles and miles away from the end. The summer has flown by, but the days are still wretchedly slow. Seven days feels like eternity; one day feels like thousands.

If I can just continue existing, time will carry the rest.

Sunday Thoughts on Family

Last night I opened up the backpack Chris left with me to bring to him after MBT graduation. Everything in it had a wonderful memory...A book I gave him to read Victor Frankl's Man's Search For Meaning) was bookmarked about halfway through. His journal was stuck in the front pocket. We both have leather-bound journals; we bought them together and wrote a letter to eachother in the first few pages. I remembered that the day we got the journals we also went to DI and bought some thick old books. We spent weeks cutting holes in the books and gluing the pages together to make a little hiding place, just like one of Neal Caffrey's (White Collar, anyone?).

His laptop was also in the backpack. Chris' laptop has a fingerprint scanner. He had me enroll my left ring finger in it months ago--the finger he bought a ring for. I swiped my finger and laughed at his screensaver--a picture of us in a couple of port-a-potties. I idly clicked on "my photos" and looked through some of his files...and realized that Chris had pictures saved that I'd never seen. Some of them were random (ex: a picture of me in my flannel pajama pants that matched his) ...but I stumbled across an enormous file of engagement pictures. I'd forgotten that I had only half of the photos from the shoot, because my flash drive couldn't hold them all--Chris had all of them. All 1,206 photos.

So, I checked the time, saw that it was very, very late, decided to be responsible, and went to bed.

Yeah, right. I set up a slideshow, got a glass of water, and looked at photographs of us until 5 a.m. There was so much emotion behind every photo--I felt like I was back there, laughing at Chris' silly faces, stealing a kiss between photos, trying to get Chris to smile for the camera when I knew he was tired and grumpy. But I also felt something I've only caught snatches of since Chris left (in his calls and letters). I felt something that I've started to doubt and wonder about in his absence. I could see in those photos how much he loves me. I found a shot of him kissing my forehead, and I could literally feel the tenderness I saw there. It was a strong reminder that what we have is real--that he really does love me, and that waiting for him to come back is completely and entirely worth it.

I woke up this morning with renewed strength. Even if I am lonely, I am not alone. I have wonderful sisters and parents that love me. My friends and roommates love me. God loves me. Chris loves me. How could I forget that? How could I doubt, and think that separation would somehow change how he feels?

Today was a hard day. But it was also a good day. Our bishopric was released, along with their wives. I've become really close to Sister Loler, and I broke down in tears when she hugged me goodbye and told me, "This is hard, but it will make your relationship with Chris stronger--your marriage will be absolutely solid. Good luck, send us a wedding invitation when the time comes!" I'll miss her so much. I'm glad I got to know her this last term. I spent the afternoon with Elise and Ruth--we had a wonderful dinner. Chris' mom called me to see how I was doing--and again, I felt so much love from her. Kim texted me to tell me she loved and missed me. My apartment had a bunch of people over to play games, and I got 3 nice notes from ward prayer. Chris' brother made plans with me to hang out later this week.

I miss Chris so much. But I am so blessed to have so many people in my life that care so much about me. I have so many families--my immediate and extended family, Chris' family, my ward family, my apartment, and my wonderful friends. So much of my happiness comes from the love I share with these families. No wonder God's plan of happiness is centered on the family.

Thoughts and Patterns

It's interesting to me how being separated from Chris makes me feel so disconnected from everything, and yet intimately connected to everything, at the same time. I feel lonely even around large groups of people...I doubt that my friends can really know and love me, if they don't know and love Chris. I feel out of place. I feel like people are whispering about me, or judging my behavior.

At the same time, I have exploded with empathy. I forge fast and strong connections with my surroundings. I went into Y serve last week and talked to the manager there for over an hour. By the end, we knew one another's life stories, present and past struggles, and major weaknesses. Plus, we were both crying and hugging each other. I haven't seen her since, but I think of her often, and I always feel so much love and admiration for her every time. I seem to be easily flooded with emotion. It's weird, what sets it off--a starry night, a masterful poem, or a powerful song suddenly have huge affects on me. I feel everything so so so deeply.

Now that I am rereading this, there might be a correlation between when Chris left and when I stopped taking my meds. Maybe I've just forgotten how deeply I used to feel everything, and this is a readjustment. But somehow, I think Chris being gone contributes to it. Beautiful things are so much more beautiful, sad things are heartbreaking. Oh, and petty/silly/obnoxious people are loathe-worthy. (I'm working on that last one.)

Now that I am rerereading this, I am realizing that my original realization that I feel both connected and disconnected, and whatever it is, I feel deeply, isn't as much of an epiphany as I thought. I feel things deeply. Not exactly news. It just feels like something new, because I haven't felt my emotions this strongly for a few years. I think some of it is probably enhanced by Chris being gone, ex: more appreciation for little things, and more empathy for people that are struggling...but I wasn't exactly oblivious to those things before.

I'm just starting to figure all of this stuff out...and I'm probably really over-analyzing it. But that IS my specialty.

Still, if I'd known I would feel this alive off meds 6 months ago, I would have quit then and there...so, maybe it's good I didn't know. I don't always feel good, and I don't always feel bad, but whatever it is, I feel it. So, I guess the trick is to feel the bad, and then let go, to enjoy the good while it lasts, and try not to kill the people that annoy me while I'm having a heart-to-heart with a beautiful blade of grass.

Life is so vibrant and exciting as a 19 year old psychology student with a mood disorder and a finace in the military. I wonder what it would be like to experience the world with autism...I would probably have a lot more attention to detail, and I'd probably be very much in love with the rhythms of life.

How do you experience your life? What patterns do you notice in your world paradigm?

In His Absence

Chris and Me on our camping trip in Diamond Canyon

Your touch haunts my skin;
Frail memory brings back
A hint of your breath
On my shoulder.

In my dreams you come,
But flee with the dawn--
And I am left here,
Reaching for you.

Return him to me,
Creator Of Love.
Spare my heart the ache
Of solitude.

Yet such brief sorrow
Will I embrace now,
With hope of a shared
Life tomorrow.

I wrote this late one night last week. It is the thought process that I cycle through almost nightly...I slowly lose consciousness, and in that half-asleep, half-awake stage, I can almost feel him here--his fingertips on my cheek, his arm wrapped around my waist. I fall asleep, and dream of him. Sometimes I reach out to touch him, and I wake up to see that I am alone in my bed, with my roommate breathing quietly near me. Last night I dreamed that I was in Texas for his graduation, and I woke up to remember that he has only been gone two weeks.

Inevitably, I feel a wave of loneliness and exhaustion at this time. I roll over in bed and cry, or I pull on his sweater and sit in the hall with his letters and read them over and over and over and cry there. I pray bitterly.

When I am done crying and praying that he will magically appear, I feel a stillness--or exhaustion--sweep over me, and I remember him telling me that it will all be worth it in the end. I think of how proud I am of him for what he is doing, and I remember that he is struggling, too. I go back to sleep with renewed commitment and hope for the future, and with the knowledge that even if I can't have him now, I can be with him for eternity. 

Give

In fast and testimony meeting last Sunday, Andrew talked about a guy that he met this last week. The guy was in serious financial trouble. Andrew talked to him about getting a job, gave him some budgeting tips, and a little cash for food. He then said, "As I walked away, I looked down at my wallet, and I realized that I had a lot of money left in it that I could have given, but chose not to. I didn't give him everything I had--I withheld a part of my substance from him. I wish I gave him everything." He talked about how we often hold back--in our callings, in classes, in relationships, and even with Christ...he said we should give of ourselves freely.

Today, I was walking home from buying my friend a birthday present in downtown Provo. I paused with a middle-aged man at an intersection, and waited for the light to change. I gave him a brief smile, and looked away. He said tentatively, "Excuse me, miss, but do you happen to have any spare change?" ...Now, I never, ever, ever have cash in my wallet. Ever. I answered, "I'm sorry, I don't think I have any on me." He said, "Please, even a couple pennies would be great." I pulled out my wallet and opened it to see if I had any pennies--even those are rare, I usually use them at the grocery store--and I saw that I had a ten dollar bill in my wallet. I had put it there to pay aquarium entrance, but I ended up using my credit card that day. Surprised, I said, "Oh! I have got a ten!" I handed it to him. He said, "Oh, God bless you."

The light changed, and he walked away. I was surprised at myself--I'm really tight financially.I have a strict 30 dollars a week budget, and it is usually used up on food. I don't usually give money to people that ask, even if I have it....and I've been really worried about money lately, as I realize how difficult it is to get a job in Provo, especially without a car. I watched him fade into the distance, wondering if he really needed the money, and if so, what for?

I eventually came to a conclusion. I decided that it didn't matter. Maybe he really, desperately needed the money. Maybe he just thought it would be funny to ask a random person for money. Maybe I was totally taken advantage of. I have absolutely no way of knowing how deserving that man was--even if he were in a wheelchair, I have no way to know for sure what his circumstances are. So how can I judge? I can't. Maybe I needed that money more--I don't know. But how could I refuse, if there was even the slightest chance that I was refusing aid to someone truly in need, however undeserving he might be? How could I offer him pennies, when I knew I had more to give? And even if he wasn't deserving, aren't we all beggars before God? Are any of us truly deserving of his mercy and blessings?

I am a beggar at the throne of God...and I know I am an undeserving one. Yet he offers me not pennies, but all that he has. He offers me a godly inheritance: eternal life and exaltation.How can we refuse aid to those we assume to be undeserving, when He offers his blessings so freely to each of us, who we KNOW to be undeserving?

I hold back. I give some to school, and some to God, and some to family and friends, but I fall miserably short of giving my all. I keep so much of my time, my talents, and my heart back.

This month, I want to give a little more of myself to the world. If I can be a tiny bit less selfish, and a tiny bit more generous, maybe I can make a tiny bit more of a contribution.

If there is any good to be done in this world, it will be done by broken people, giving everything have left. No one on this earth has no trials and is just given the job of helping everyone else out. We can't wait around for someone else to do something good, because we are too tired or too hurt or too lonely. Everyone else is tired, hurt, and lonely, too. We have to look up from our own pain, recognize the same pain in others, and reach out to them with everything we have.

I walked out of the bathroom today, after about an hour of crying and feeling sorry for myself, to see my roommate walking out of the other bathroom, crying as well. There was no one else to comfort her--only me.

Grumpy

This is Chris' grumpy face. I miss it so much. Allison took this picture during day two of our engagement photo shoot...We took pictures for 6 hours the first day, and 4 hours the second. This was about halfway through the 4 hour shoot, and Chris was getting a little tired of being told, "Smile! Kiss her! Blow this dandelion! Read this book! Look happy!" It probably didn't help that he was exhausted from getting up at 5 a.m. to go to drill both mornings...still, he stuck it out, and we got some of our favorite pictures out of that day. ...He is too cute, even when he is grumpy.

Tonight is one of those nights. It is about 2:45 a.m...I have class tomorrow, but I just can't sleep. I've been looking through our pictures for the past few hours, remembering what was happening when they were taken, what he did and said. I feel kind of achy inside.

A Change of Plans

Chris and Me, exemplifying maturity.

 

Life is nothing like I thought it would be. This time last year, I was a new high school graduate. I planned to get a PhD in clinical psychology, work at various in-patient facilities treating mental illnesses, open a private practice, and, once my career was stable, get married and have five kids. Considering the fact that school would have taken 10-12 years, plus 5 or 6 years getting experience and another 2-3 establishing a new practice, I wasn't planning on any serious relationships for 16-21 years. By which time I would have been in my late thirties. But I didn't bother thinking it through.

God obviously did, however--and I guess he thought my plan needed some tweaking. I met Chris the day I arrived in Provo, Utah to start college. He was the brother of a friend of mine, who I had met at a church camp (EFY) when I was 16. Chris had just finished a 2 year mission for the church, and his brother, Danny, asked me to go on a few dates with him to "ease him back into dating life." I agreed, and we planned a double date, but they decided to come say hi the day I arrived, and help me move in. Along with my family. Needless to say, it was an awkward meeting. We did NOT hit it off.

That night, Chris told his brother "maybe we should let the double date thing slide." I called Danny and said, "yeah...I don't think I'm interested." Chris reportedly said I was a "woo girl" (as in "woo-hoo! partayy!), and wanted to date someone a little less--to use his words--shallow. I thought he was boring. So, no go. But in an interesting turn of events, we ended up going on a date, after all. Danny didn't talk to me for a few weeks after the incident, and I was worried he was angry with me. I facebooked Chris, and wrote "chill sometime?" on his wall...and apparently, he was bored enough to want to hang out with someone as obnoxious as me. We tried to plan a group thing--I wanted to hang out with Danny, to make sure he wasn't angry--but no one else ended up coming. So, Chris picked me up and we drove up into the mountains to hike Y mount. (Did I mention I pulled my hamstring that morning doing the splits?)

It was a beautiful hike, but I was tired and irritated, and my muscle hurt really bad. We had to stop frequently on the way up. Since I was not at all interested in flirting, we had to find something practical to talk about. He asked about my major--I told him it was psych, and explained that I wanted to devote my life to helping people get their own back. He told me he was a business major, but he planned on joining the military. I remember sitting on the Y, looking out at the valley (there was a lightning storm below, like our own personal fireworks display), and listening to him speaking about how much he loved America and wanted to serve protecting its people, and thinking "Okay, not boring. My bad."

The next few months were insane. After that first date, I never went out with anyone else. I threw up our 2nd date on a spinning carnival ride, we saw a snake eating a goldfish on our third date, had an non-reciprocated first kiss on our 5th date (and even weirder 2nd kiss right after...he had signed a contract with some mission buddies a year earlier, promising to play little mermaid's "kiss the girl" during his first kiss home...mission accomplished!), and many more adventures. He told me he loved me on a (now-demolished) bench between the HFAC and the WILK, I attended his swearing-in ceremony at the Air National Guard base in Salt Lake City, I cried all through his shoulder surgery in November, and I told him I wanted to marry him outside my freshman apartment after 20 minutes of pacing and saying "this is how I feel now, but I doubt I always will". He asked my Dad for permission to marry me in January, and proposed to me on a cliff in Provo canyon on February 2nd, 2012.

The following 4 months were wonderful and stressful. We had some horrible arguments...mostly about family, psychology, and the military...but we never left each other angry. We always sat down and talked it out. We went on a camping trip with a few friends to celebrate the end of winter semester, and we flew out to Iowa in May so I could see Chris' hometown and meet his family. Those four months were probably the best of my life--but they were also very difficult.

Chris left for basic training May 22nd, 2012...a week and one day ago. I got one phone call the day he arrived. It was a scripted message, telling me his mailing address, but it was his voice. At the end of the address, I said "I've got it. I love you." He paused and whispered, "I love you too." I haven't heard from him since. He has MBT and two tech schools to attend...he will be home in 6 months.

This week has dragged on--it feels like it's been months. I'm surrounded by family and friends--and reminders of Chris. I haven't ever felt so lonely around so many people. I dream of him almost every night, and I carry my phone with me everywhere in case he calls, even though I know he probably won't be able to for another 2 weeks at least.

This is all very new to me. My life isn't my own anymore--I share it with someone else, and when he is gone, I feel all broken up and jumbled inside. I am adjusting to college life--I have 5 wonderful roommates, and they are all a heaping bushel of crazy. I've started to figure out how to exercise without a coach yelling at me to be faster, more flexible, or stronger. I'm getting used the endless stress of classes, papers, and exams. I'm starting to adjust my original life plans and make new ones that exclude a PhD in psychology, but include a husband, the military, the FBI (him, not me), and a master's degree in psychology (me, not him) instead.

Life is very different than I imagined--and I am completely unprepared for it. I guess it's the kind of thing you learn about as you go along. If there is one thing I have learned this year, it is that I am very, very young...naiive, inexperienced, and unprepared. But I think this will always be true...I don't know if I'll ever really grow up. Someday, I'll probably be 60, and still young.