Sunday Thoughts on Family

Last night I opened up the backpack Chris left with me to bring to him after MBT graduation. Everything in it had a wonderful memory...A book I gave him to read Victor Frankl's Man's Search For Meaning) was bookmarked about halfway through. His journal was stuck in the front pocket. We both have leather-bound journals; we bought them together and wrote a letter to eachother in the first few pages. I remembered that the day we got the journals we also went to DI and bought some thick old books. We spent weeks cutting holes in the books and gluing the pages together to make a little hiding place, just like one of Neal Caffrey's (White Collar, anyone?).

His laptop was also in the backpack. Chris' laptop has a fingerprint scanner. He had me enroll my left ring finger in it months ago--the finger he bought a ring for. I swiped my finger and laughed at his screensaver--a picture of us in a couple of port-a-potties. I idly clicked on "my photos" and looked through some of his files...and realized that Chris had pictures saved that I'd never seen. Some of them were random (ex: a picture of me in my flannel pajama pants that matched his) ...but I stumbled across an enormous file of engagement pictures. I'd forgotten that I had only half of the photos from the shoot, because my flash drive couldn't hold them all--Chris had all of them. All 1,206 photos.

So, I checked the time, saw that it was very, very late, decided to be responsible, and went to bed.

Yeah, right. I set up a slideshow, got a glass of water, and looked at photographs of us until 5 a.m. There was so much emotion behind every photo--I felt like I was back there, laughing at Chris' silly faces, stealing a kiss between photos, trying to get Chris to smile for the camera when I knew he was tired and grumpy. But I also felt something I've only caught snatches of since Chris left (in his calls and letters). I felt something that I've started to doubt and wonder about in his absence. I could see in those photos how much he loves me. I found a shot of him kissing my forehead, and I could literally feel the tenderness I saw there. It was a strong reminder that what we have is real--that he really does love me, and that waiting for him to come back is completely and entirely worth it.

I woke up this morning with renewed strength. Even if I am lonely, I am not alone. I have wonderful sisters and parents that love me. My friends and roommates love me. God loves me. Chris loves me. How could I forget that? How could I doubt, and think that separation would somehow change how he feels?

Today was a hard day. But it was also a good day. Our bishopric was released, along with their wives. I've become really close to Sister Loler, and I broke down in tears when she hugged me goodbye and told me, "This is hard, but it will make your relationship with Chris stronger--your marriage will be absolutely solid. Good luck, send us a wedding invitation when the time comes!" I'll miss her so much. I'm glad I got to know her this last term. I spent the afternoon with Elise and Ruth--we had a wonderful dinner. Chris' mom called me to see how I was doing--and again, I felt so much love from her. Kim texted me to tell me she loved and missed me. My apartment had a bunch of people over to play games, and I got 3 nice notes from ward prayer. Chris' brother made plans with me to hang out later this week.

I miss Chris so much. But I am so blessed to have so many people in my life that care so much about me. I have so many families--my immediate and extended family, Chris' family, my ward family, my apartment, and my wonderful friends. So much of my happiness comes from the love I share with these families. No wonder God's plan of happiness is centered on the family.