Thoughts and Patterns

It's interesting to me how being separated from Chris makes me feel so disconnected from everything, and yet intimately connected to everything, at the same time. I feel lonely even around large groups of people...I doubt that my friends can really know and love me, if they don't know and love Chris. I feel out of place. I feel like people are whispering about me, or judging my behavior.

At the same time, I have exploded with empathy. I forge fast and strong connections with my surroundings. I went into Y serve last week and talked to the manager there for over an hour. By the end, we knew one another's life stories, present and past struggles, and major weaknesses. Plus, we were both crying and hugging each other. I haven't seen her since, but I think of her often, and I always feel so much love and admiration for her every time. I seem to be easily flooded with emotion. It's weird, what sets it off--a starry night, a masterful poem, or a powerful song suddenly have huge affects on me. I feel everything so so so deeply.

Now that I am rereading this, there might be a correlation between when Chris left and when I stopped taking my meds. Maybe I've just forgotten how deeply I used to feel everything, and this is a readjustment. But somehow, I think Chris being gone contributes to it. Beautiful things are so much more beautiful, sad things are heartbreaking. Oh, and petty/silly/obnoxious people are loathe-worthy. (I'm working on that last one.)

Now that I am rerereading this, I am realizing that my original realization that I feel both connected and disconnected, and whatever it is, I feel deeply, isn't as much of an epiphany as I thought. I feel things deeply. Not exactly news. It just feels like something new, because I haven't felt my emotions this strongly for a few years. I think some of it is probably enhanced by Chris being gone, ex: more appreciation for little things, and more empathy for people that are struggling...but I wasn't exactly oblivious to those things before.

I'm just starting to figure all of this stuff out...and I'm probably really over-analyzing it. But that IS my specialty.

Still, if I'd known I would feel this alive off meds 6 months ago, I would have quit then and there...so, maybe it's good I didn't know. I don't always feel good, and I don't always feel bad, but whatever it is, I feel it. So, I guess the trick is to feel the bad, and then let go, to enjoy the good while it lasts, and try not to kill the people that annoy me while I'm having a heart-to-heart with a beautiful blade of grass.

Life is so vibrant and exciting as a 19 year old psychology student with a mood disorder and a finace in the military. I wonder what it would be like to experience the world with autism...I would probably have a lot more attention to detail, and I'd probably be very much in love with the rhythms of life.

How do you experience your life? What patterns do you notice in your world paradigm?