Sting Rays and Trinket Trays

I thought it would be fun to post about married life and how different it is from--well, not-married life.

But really, since we don't live together, and I only see him for a few hours in the evening (from 4 or 6 to 9, most nights), it feels pretty much the same as it did before we were married...just sinful.

I'm totally kidding. Married life is great. I mean, it's true, it was an adjustment from winter break, when we were actually TOGETHER all the time, but active duty life really isn't that bad.

The fitness center on base offers free aerobic classes every day of the week...they have yoga, pilates, zumba, weight training, spin/cycling, cardio/stretch, plus personal trainers all over the gym ready to yell at you like you're the new recruit they get to whip into shape. (I haven't been brave enough to step foot in the gym, but Danielle tells me they are very good at motivating you.) I've been going to yoga regularly, and I'm planning on adding pilates as soon as my muscles stop weeping in misery after every class. 

I've picked up sketching and crocheting again, and I'm starting my online class, Child Development, tomorrow. I'm hoping that sometime I will get around to sending thank-you notes, too. Plus, I'm helping Dana teach 28 3rd graders violin on Tuesdays. Note to self: have a party to celebrate that I will never, ever, ever be an elementary school teacher. Little kids are mean and scary! They don't listen when you talk to them and they never do what you tell them to, either. I have gained so much respect for teachers, and so much knowledge about myself: I now know that I am absolutely terrified of large groups of children. Scariest part of my week: Standing up in front of 30 little kids with violins, trying to get them to not damage each other or the instruments, and be quiet and listen and respond when I call their names on the roll.

Just for funsies, I'm going to throw in a few things I've realized, now that I'm married.

1. The snuggle-to-sleep expectation I had before we got married was completely dissolved. I don't know how Chris has SO MUCH BODY HEAT, but he does! We sleep facing away from each other, curled up on our sides, as close to the edge of our respective side of the bed as we can...and I STILL have to have a fan turned on! ...However, this may just be because Arizona is HOT in the winter. When we were in Utah, and didn't want to pay for heat, the sleeping arrangements were not quite so strict.

2. My recognition of love gestures has changed. Chris hates making the bed. Hates, hates, hates it. So on weekends, when I come back from the shower in the morning to see a freshly made bed, I know he loves me. I also feel extremely loved when he does dishes with me, folds laundry, and takes me to farmer's markets and to parks (with bread to feed the ducks!) Those little things make a huge difference when I know he is stressed and exhausted from work and PT and would really just like to sleep.

3. Nothing is gross anymore.

4. Chris is much more ambitious and disciplined than I realized. He can study for hours and hours! And he doesn't study just to pass his tests. He wants 100%. Every time. He gets up super early to exercise...not just to be in shape. He wants to be the fastest runner in his class. Every time. He wants to be the top graduate--have the best grades, no disciplinary record, best physical shape. Apparently, top graduate is a really big honor, and he thinks it will help him get better jobs down the road. Plus, he missed being top graduate in Basic because he spent his PT working with a kid that was failing the running...he would run with him, and keep him going, which slowed down his own time. He is still glad he helped him, I know, but I also know that he won't forget that he missed top graduate by 2 people, and he wants it this time around. Oh, and every few days he goes home early so he can review the material with some of the guys in his class that have been failing tests. And last week, he promised the guys treats after the block test--he made them scotcheroos. Like I said. He is a tiny tiny bit of an overachiever. His text last week to me was, "I got a 98 on my test. :( Missed a dumb question." ...and 5 minutes later "Got the points back! 100%." ...I am never, ever, ever letting him see my GPA.

5. Military uniforms take up SO MUCH SPACE in a washer/dryer. I swear, each blouse needs its own load! And those dog tags that everyone thinks are so cool and awesome? They bang you in the face if the person wearing them leans over you while you are quietly reading a book. Plus, when your husband is wearing his uniform, you can't show any kind of affection. Holding hands? Off limits! Don't get me wrong, the uniform looks awesome, but it kind of takes the fun and romance out of it when you run up--and then stop abruptly and smile.

6. Boys eat. A lot. I've never spent so much money on groceries. I always knew he ate a lot--but it's a lot more when he's exercising like crazy all the time. HE IS ALWAYS HUNGRY!!

7. Marriage is a ton of work. And when people are under stress, and homesick, and worried about one another, and possibly a little sad and lonely, it is even more work...it is wonderful and fun and rewarding, but being married, and being married away from home and mostly away from one another, requires so much effort and validation and love and assurances on the part of each partner. Every day, Chris comes to meet me, and I swear I can see the worry in his face...did I have a good day? Am I unhappy? Do I wish I were back in Utah? Is he worth it to me? And I know I come to him with my worries and insecurities and questions. It is beautiful and wonderful to spend the evening talking and cooking and laughing and reminding one another that we DO love and appreciate each other, that we think the other person is doing good things, and that we are so much happier here together than we would be anywhere else.

8. It is a good idea to change your name and marital status before you flee the state. We still don't have our marriage license, and so we can't change my name on anything...it just makes everything so confusing. I think I'm still technically Rosalind Clarissa Decker. I'm hoping to be able to change my name sometime before April.

9. Chris really, really, really likes football. And apparently wants to coach when he retires. And open some kind of store where he can tell people about "his wares" ...upon further questioning, a trinket store. But not trinkets he makes, just ones he can tell people about. He also loves zoos.

10. Sometimes when you are married, you have to do things you don't want to do because they make your spouse happy. Like when we were at the aquarium, and I really, really didn't want to feed the sting ray, but Chris really wanted me to and thought it would be so cool and fun, and he even bought another thing of shrimp when I got scared and dropped the last 2 pieces in the water and flipped the sting ray...so I made myself stay put and feed it. It took off a chunk of my skin along with the shrimp, and it was slimy and hurt really bad, but Chris was so proud and excited and happy and kept saying, "You've fed a sting ray!" ...which did, in fact, sound pretty cool, even if my finger did hurt a ton, so we celebrated with some hand sanitizer.

That's it, that's all I've got, I'm going to bed.

Love and Sacrifice

I've been learning a lot about the relationship between love and sacrifice this year. My patriotism levels were pretty close to indifferent before Chris enlisted. They slowly rose as we dated and became engaged, and spiked when he left for basic training and tech school...I found my love for my country increase tremendously when it meant sacrificing all contact with Chris but 1 letter a month and a 10 minute phone call a week. I've found the same principle to be true in other things...I feel so much more love for people that I serve and sacrifice to help. I feel more love for God when I consecrate my time, talents, and heart to him, and do his will.

I think Chris has been pretty worried lately that I am resentful of his military service--that I feel neglected and abandoned. Nothing could be further from the truth. He is working so hard right now--he studies constantly (He is trying to be the top student in his class...it's so funny to hear him say in a sad little voice, "I got a 94 on my block test.") And he is killing himself in PT trying to be the fastest and strongest. And on top of that, he gets about 5 hours of sleep each night, works like crazy all day, and stops by for a couple hours in the evening to spend time with me--and manages to be energetic, attentive, and happy to spend time doing whatever I want to do, when I know he is exhausted and his body just wants to nap. I think Chris is worried that I am upset that I get so little time with him, and that he can't live with me. But I'm really not--I feel so loved right now. Chris works for the things he loves...and he loves his country, and God, and me. We both feel that it is God's will that Chris serve in the military. But I know that it is more than just that to Chris. He sees it as serving his country, but most of all as a way to protect and provide for his family. So every night at 9:30 when I drop him off on base, I know that he doesn't want to leave me, and I don't feel abandoned. I feel loved--because I know how hard it is for him, and that he would rather spend all the time in the world with me...but that his service is an act of love for him.

What you give for something really is an indicator of how much you love it...and how much you give increases your love exponentially. I can tell you right now, I appreciate Chris a whole lot more when he isn't around, and I have so little time with him. And I love him so much more because it is a sacrifice to be here in Texas, away from my family and friends and school and our sweet little apartment. But he is worth it--it is worth the struggle of living in a strange place, if it means I can spend more time with him.

But, since I have all of this time to myself to ponder and wonder and pick up old hobbies, I ended up with a poem forming in my mind and flowing out of my fingers onto a piece of paper.

To My Husband Chris
Who leaves, but never leaves me feeling unloved.

Men love what they hurt for;
What's free is unloved.
But rights become treasures
When paid for with blood.

Men love what they work for;
The greater the price,
The deeper the meaning
In each sacrifice.

Men love what they hurt for.
I see what you give
For your country and God
Each day that you live.

Men love what they work for
And your love for me
Flows deeper and sweeter,
For you've served for me.


Chris, I love you so much....and I know you love me. Thank you for your service--I wouldn't change it if I could. I can't wait to have you home. You have, as always, my heart.

I'm pretty sure that poem will have a lot more meaning 1.5 years from now, when Chris is half a world away, and we are half way through a 6 month deployment...I'll probably look back and think, "that was nothing, why was I such a wimp? I got to see him every single day!!" ...but that's okay. Right now, this feels like a sacrifice, so why compare it to later or earlier or other people's sacrifices?

Either way, I got a poem out of this one. :)

Phoenix

The past few days have been absolutely crazy here. It has been really stressful adjusting to living in someone else's home, having Chris gone all the time, getting used to a new town, and trying to make friends with the few people I do have contact with here. Plus, I miss my sisters and my old roommates like crazy. I just miss being independent and surrounded by friends and family.

But after one absolutely insane day full of confusion, anxiety, disappointment, and breakdowns,  I thought things would settle down. I had a really good talk with Dana, the woman I am staying with, and spent some time with Danielle, a girl that lives 5 miles away and is married to Chris' friend in his flight. Danielle and I hit it off right away--she is so sweet, she loves music, and she has a background in psychology. Plus, she got married 4 days before we did, so we are at the same place in life.

We are already great friends, and we can tell each other pretty much anything. So, day before yesterday, (and the day after my Horrible Disappointed and Confused Day, the day that Chris and Jordan (her husband) left for base), we sat down for about 5 hours and just talked. I told her about my Horrible Disappointed and Confused Day, and she told me about her same day. Interestingly enough, we had had strangely similar days. Oh, and she told me she was pregnant. (Note: Military wives really are like family. There is a connection there that you just can't have with other people. At first it seemed strange to me that I was the first person she told, before even her parents or his--but then I thought about it, and realized that even though we only knew each other a week, we had come to really rely on one another...I am the only person she knows down here.)

Anyway. As I said, I thought things would kind of settle down. Silly me.

Yesterday, Danielle and I met up to explore base...we drove around a little, trying to avoid the MPs (Military Police. Insanely strict, insanely mean. Will pull you over for going 26 in a 25 mph zone, or for talking on the phone in a car that is turned on....and probably a lot of other things we don't know about yet. I'm scared of not using crosswalks.) We ended up looking around the BX (Base Exchange...kind of like a mall, but with a grocery store. Everything is super cheap there, and tax-free.) We got a few things there, and headed for the checkout, when Danielle stopped and grabbed an aisle shelf for support. Her face was crumpled in pain. I felt panic rise up in me. "Danielle, are you okay?" She sank to the floor and managed to say, "I don't know. It hurts really bad." I tried to keep my voice calm and asked, "Does it feel like contractions or cramps?" "It isn't cramps." "Are they rythmic?" (I honestly had no idea what questions I was supposed to ask, and I was thinking about yelling at someone to go get help.) "I don't know." By this time, I was holding her hand, and praying mantra-style, 'God, don't let her have a miscarriage right here in this store. Don't let her miscarry, don't let her miscarry, don't let her miscarry." I was scared and I felt dread flood my insides for her--I knew she was more frightened than I, and I just couldn't bear the though of her losing her baby so far away from home and friends and family, with no small comfort but me, and her husband out of reach, unable to come be with her. She looked up at me, and I knew she wanted me to have an answer and tell her what was going on, but I just didn't have anything to offer but a suggestion to find an OB/GYN in Phoenix for the next few months and my silent prayers to God.

Eventually the pain lessened, and we made it to a chair outside the food court. Chris called and said that they were given permission to leave the base, and could come see us. I told him, "Get here as soon as you can, and bring Jordan." It was a relief to see them drive up and Jordan jump out to hug his wife and talk to her. Chris hugged me too, excited to see me...I held on to him and tried not to cry. I felt drained.

So basically, things haven't settled down, and every single day is incredibly emotional, scary, or sad. Today I am scared because Aunt Dana asked me if I would come help her teach violin to a group of 36 little children, and I don't know how to even tape the violins, let alone teach them how to play and make them behave...but she said she would show me what to do before each lesson, and implored me to help...I don't think she wants to have to deal with them alone. Anyway, so that's my scary thing for today. 

I miss Provo so bad. But I wouldn't want to be separated from Chris, not for all the comforts of our little apartment and that town I know so well and my friends and family. So I'm staying for the whole 10 weeks. I think this will be a great adventure....albeit a very stressful, emotional one.

I miss and love you all.

Temple Conversations with High School Friends

So one of my really good friends from high school has been facebooking me a lot lately, asking about the wedding. She has been so excited for me. We never really talked about my religion or the church or anything when we were in school together, but she has been asking a lot of questions lately. I haven't known exactly how to answer most of them, because I have never actually BEEN to the temple, so I don't think  I did the best job explaining things, but I tried to tell her about things that she would relate to and understand. What is really interesting to me is that we have much more open conversations now than we used to...religion was a non-discussed topic in high school, and I didn't even realize how important God was to her, and how much marriage meant to her...we had a lot more in common than I realized. Anyway, here is our most recent conversation. 

Sarah: i literally can't wait to hear and see all about your wedding!

Me: haha me too!! I'll be sure to put up lots of pictures~!

Sarah: i can't even imagine how excited you must be! this is gonna be a whole newchapter in your life! i can't wait for that to happen to me! ahh i wish i could go to your wedding!!!

Me: I wish you could come too! ...and yeah, it feels so strange and exciting...weird to have all of our stuff in an apartment together...and everything matches and looks nice and stuff. it isn't a student apartment. ...you HAVE to let me know and invite me to yours!

Sarah: um of course i will! wouldn't be a party without you!!

how did you manage to pull off planning a wedding and school so fast??

Me: Idk...it didn't really seem that fast, I had 10 months to plan. But my sisters and mom helped a lot.

Sarah: oh! a lot of people told me that it takes forever to plan a wedding so i just assumed! how many people are you having?

Me: The actual wedding will be in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple, just for family and friends that have temple reccommends. the reception is in the springville art museum, and anoyone can come. I'm guessing there will be 70 people at the wedding and 200 at the reception.

Sarah: thats awesome!! ;] i wouldn't even know where to begin with planning a wedding!

Me: ..this is a photo of the temple.

Sarah: oh wow! that is beautiful!!!

Me:...it makes it easier when you don't have to plan the ceremony...you just set up an appointment at the temple and get interviews. You don't have to do anything else except buy a dress and show up...They have sealers that do the ceremony, and the temple is absolutely gorgeous, so it would just be silly to try to add decorations.

isn't it pretty!?

Sarah: pretty is an understatement. i can't wait to see you dress! is your dad walking down the aisle or your mom and dad?

Me: there isn't really an aisle. It's a room...I'll find a picture... hold on...

Sarah: oh okay!

Sarah: ohhh i get it! thats really pretty on the inside!!

so then would chris see you before the wedding then?

Me:  No...we will see each other when we enter the room (I think)...then you go forward and kneel at the altar and make promises to God.

Sarah: beautiful! you nervous at all? sorry im asking so many questions!

Me: its different from other wedding ceremonies because you don't promise to eachother, you promise God, so you are accountable to him if you break your covenants or hurt your spouse in any way. And you are sealed, not just married, so you will be together after you die, and your children that you have in that marriage will be sealed to you, too.

Sarah: thats really special!

Me: ...which explains why I am SO nervous...If I mess this up, it won't be like I just break a promise to Chris, it will be breaking a promise with God.

Sarah: you won't mess it up!! how could you mess it up, you love Chris and you love God! but i would totally be nervous too! thats really awesome that you guys are both so strong in your faith too!

Me: Thanks, Sarah. lol. It's just a LOT of responsibility. (sidenote: this is also why things like spousal abuse or cheating or divorce are a HUGE deal if you are mormon...because you are responsible to god for anything you do to hurt that person.)

Yeah, I am so glad that I am marrying someone that is so committed to God and wants to do what God wants... he is a really good man.

Sarah: and i think that makes your relationship with chris that much stronger because God is such a big part of it, and i think that it will be taken more seriously because if he hurts you he hurts God too

I feel like now a days people go into a marriage knowing that they can just get a divorce if it doens't work out, and thats something that breaks my heart because it should be like that at all

shouldn't *

Me: yeah. I wish more people took marriage more seriously...I think a lot of people just aren't completely committed...divorce should never be part of the picture (except in cases like abuse, cheating, ect) ...I think a lot of people just don't want to work on it, they don't realize that love takes work. I think most problems people have could be fixed if they both tried to come closer together and both were kinder and more willing to change and try to be better.

Sarah: exactly!! divorce is so sad

are you guys going on a honeymoon after the wedding?

Me: yeah. and it's crazy how many people do that.

yep! we have a cabin rented in the mountains, close to a ski resort.

Sarah: oh yeah!! i think i remember you mentioning that!!

Any thoughts? Things I left out that I should talk about in our next conversation? (She told me at the end that she wanted to get together for lunch and talk more about it, and when I said I wouldn't be in town, she asked if it would be okay if she asked me more later.) I don't really know what I am supposed to tell her about some of this stuff...and she is so inquisitive! 

Sidenote: Interesting that all of these people I knew growing up never talked to me about the church or my beliefs when we were younger, and now that we are all separated and starting our own lives, I have had a lot of people contact me and ask questions, or tell me that I was a good example to them in high school (which is ironic, because I thought i was a pretty horrible person)...anyway. I'm glad that I gave at least a few people an interest in the church.